DISCLAIMER: This is the modified version of "My Breakfast with [someone]", a supplement to the original Sarang's World series. References to real people have been removed or altered. Similarity without satiric intent is unintentional.
(modified 4/25/1995)
[SCENE: It is morning, and we see a pleasant green field of grass... the air is dewy, and two figures are approaching each other. This pastoral scene could be anywhere, except that, in the background, we see a sign reading "Small Town University Extension Grassy Field:: Small Town University.. everything you ever wanted in a school and less". As we zoom in, we see that one of the two approaching figures is young and boyishly handsome, while the other is.... the other is Tom]
SARANG: Hi there! You must be Tom, Cindy's husband!
TOM: Yes.. who are you?
SARANG: Why, I'm Sarang Gupta [pauses and looks towards camera]
TOM: What are you waiting for?
SARANG: (disappointed) My applause... my audience...
TOM: We're in a grassy field... there is no audience...
SARANG: (still a bit confused) Oh, yes... so you must be Tom, Cindy's husband...
TOM: You said that already... it was your opening line.
SARANG: No, my opening line was "goo goo ga ga" [pauses for laugh]
[The air is deathly silent, as Tom regards Sarang quizically]
TOM: No, I meant your opening line to me.
SARANG: (embarrassed) Oh, ah, yes... So, ummmm... er... how's Cindy?
TOM: She's fine.
SARANG: I've seen her picture! She's better than fine.. nudge nudge!
TOM: (shocked look) Are you implying something untoward about my wife?
SARANG: No... but I could... [winks]
TOM: I'll have you know that my Cindy is as pure as the driven snow!!!
SARANG: I'm from Albuquerque.. we don't know from snow [pauses for laugh]
[Even the breeze stops blowing in deference to the deathly silence as the joke not only falls flat, but actually dies in a slow and painful manner]
TOM: Snow is a form of precipitation. It is white in color and...
SARANG: I was joking, Tom! I know what snow is!
TOM: Ahhh.. well, as I was saying... my Cindy is pure and good and wholesome.
SARANG: I thought that was milk? [pauses for laugh, but doesn't really expect one]
TOM: No, milk is a nutrient-dense liquid produced by ....
SARANG: Oy vey! So, are you two still like honeymooners?
TOM: (looking confused) No.. I don't drive a bus and ....
SARANG: (fake laughing) Ha ha! That was funny, Tom.
TOM: (puzzled) I wasn't joking.
SARANG: Oh, er... ummm... I meant ... are you two kids still crazy about each other?
TOM: Actually, we're full-grown adults [Sarang winces], but yes.... the light in Cindy's eyes still beckons me close!
SARANG: Cindy has a LIGHT in her eyes? How many watts?
TOM: What?
SARANG: Not watt.. watts.. how many watts?
TOM: How many whats?
SARANG: Exactly...
TOM: Huh? Cindy has two eyes, of course... [Sarang groans]
SARANG: I see...
TOM: But look, the thing with the light in Cindy's eyes is a metaphor.. it's a literary device used to compare...
SARANG: Why do I have this urge to tear my spleen out?
TOM: I don't know.. why?
SARANG: I know I'm going to regret asking this, but do you ever think about other women when you're with Cindy?
TOM: Sometimes, I think about Lita Ford...
SARANG: Well, that's not too bad...
TOM: Other times, I think about Stevie Nicks...
SARANG: Well I think that's OK, because...
TOM: And, of course, there's always Pia Zadora... Marilyn Monroe... Natasha Kinsky, Juanita1, Mabel1, that girl with the tank top I saw in the street, Whoopi Goldberg...
1Tom's secretaries from various not-yet-public episodes of Sarang's World
SARANG: Whoopi Goldberg???
TOM: Shelley Long, Julie Louis-Dreyfus, that cute girl on Empty Nest.. not Kristy McNichols.. the other one..., Teri Copley, Bea Arthur...
SARANG: Bea Arthur?????
TOM: Cindy's sister... Cindy's cousins...
SARANG: I think we get the idea!!!
TOM: This cute meter-maid I saw... Cindy's Mom... this one girl who dropped a quarter and ....
SARANG: OK! OK! Enough! Do you ever think of Cindy?
TOM: Cindy who?
SARANG: Your wife Cindy!
TOM: Of course.. she is in my every thought!
SARANG: I see... would you say marriage is worthwhile, Tom? I mean, do you think someone like me should get married?
TOM: Well, being married to Cindy is worthwhile, yes... But you can't marry Cindy! She's mine! All mine!
SARANG: So you really care about her?
TOM: No, I'm just very possessive! Mine! Mine! Mine!
SARANG: I see... well, what if I give you these two shiny rocks...
TOM: Oooooh, pretty! Shiny! Just like Cindy's eyes! No! Me would remind too much of Cindy eyes.. no can take!
SARANG: OK, how about this lovely, healthy, bag of fresh kelp?
TOM: Oooooh, long and soft and smooth! remind me of Cindy hair.. so pretty and smooth! No can take!
SARANG: Hmmmm.. OK, how about this large, oversized sponge?
TOM: Oooooh, me can squeeze it and it all soft and foamy... [thinks] no can take! It remind me of ......
SARANG: Uhhh.... never mind. Say, why are you talking different now?
TOM: Indeed! I recall identical speech patterns from a previous programme... Sarang's World III... I believe was the title... one moment I'm babbling in some incoherent babytalk, whilst the next moment, I'm expositing in some overly mundane accent.
SARANG: hmmmmmm.... why's that?
TOM: Personally, I think at least part of the blame must fall to the writers... my character is poorly-defined at best, and is frequently quite inconsistent.
SARANG: Much like yourself.. [Sarang chuckles, having given up hope that there's an audience nearby]
TOM: I take offense to that remark! Additionally, you have spent this entire dialogue making sport of my lovely wife, whom I treasure above all else.
SARANG: Even above THIS??? [pulls out a copy of Action Comics #1]
TOM: Whoa!! Is that really... can it be.. I mean.. wow
[A little cloud appears by Tom's head, and, in this cloud, CINDY appears and says "Now, Tom... would you leave me for that comic book?"]
TOM: (out loud) Honey, I'd *kill* you for that comic book.
SARANG: Say what?
TOM: Nothing, I was just talking to this voice in my head.
SARANG: You get those too? [smiles]
TOM: Yeah, heh heh. Say, how come we're talking friendly-like all of a sudden?
SARANG: It's that happy ending kind of thing....
TOM: Oh, is this skit almost over?
SARANG: Well, yes.
TOM: So, where's the denoument?
SARANG: The day-new-who?
TOM: Ha ha! That's pretty funny!
SARANG: No, really... I don't know what that word means.
TOM: It's the part of a literary work where the loose ends are wrapped up! It usually comes at the end, right after the climax... and don't you DARE make a pun on that word!
SARANG: So what loose ends are there to wrap up?
TOM: Well, first of all.. what you are doing in this small town? Why am I here at the University without Cindy? Why is there 'breakfast' in the title of this story? How come we're in a grassy field and there's no one else around? Where IS that audience that usually follows you around? Who wrote the Book of Love? Why am I asking so many questions? Why's the curtain falling? Who's that guy with the hook? Why ahhhhhhhh......
[Curtain falls]