DISCLAIMER: This is a modified version of the original Sarang's World series. References to real people have been removed or altered. Similarity without satiric intent is unintentional.
(Season 1, Episode 5 originally written on 12/7/1994; modified 4/12/95)
[Scene: A lovely park. SARANG has just greeted his friend CINDY, a 17-year-old cutie [actually 27], and her husband, TOM, an attractive middle-aged man]
CINDY: Sarang, I'd like you to meet my husband, Tom.
SARANG: Well, hello Tom! It's nice to meet you! (shakes Tom's hand)
TOM: Nice to meet you too!
SARANG: And Cindy, you're looking stunning, as always...
TOM: (looking at Cindy) Why, yes she is...
SARANG: She looks beautiful, intelligent, and sensitive... wouldn't you agree?
TOM: Of course!
SARANG: So..... (awkward pause) can I have her?
TOM: Uhhhh.. what?
SARANG: Your wife, Cindy, ... can I have her?
TOM: Hmmmm... well, what would you DO with a beautiful, intelligent woman?
CINDY: (ahem) AND SENSITIVE, and don't forget about my modesty!
TOM: Yeah, that too... would you even know what to do?
SARANG: (fumbling with his pockets) Well, of course I... Ah! Here it is! I have a list. THIS is what I intend to do (hands Tom the list).
TOM: (looking over list) Hmmm, let's see... hmmmm (handing back list after having read it) I'm sorry-- I'm afraid Cindy doesn't do ANY of these things!
SARANG: What? Not even number 11?
TOM: She tried once, but...
SARANG: Yes?
TOM: The muffins came out rather well done...
SARANG: So, she CAN cook muffins!
TOM: No, I mean "well done" in the steak sense... er, to be frank, she burnt them to a crisp...
CINDY: Hey, it said 350 for 6 muffins, and I was making 12-- so, naturally, I set the oven to 700...
SARANG: Hmmm.. but, wait-- ovens don't go up to 700 degrees...
CINDY: Well, I turned the dial as far as it would go.. to that "broil" thingy...
SARANG: I see... So, Cindy doesn't do ANY of the things on that list?
TOM: Well, she doesn't do them WELL...
CINDY: HEY! You married me for my brains, not my cooking!
TOM: I didn't marry you for your brains...
CINDY: (sheepishly) Oh, yeah.. I forgot.
TOM: (to Sarang) Hey, look... if you're still interested in her...
SARANG: No, no-- I could never break up such a happy couple-- you have to.. I mean, you GET to keep her...
TOM: But look at her! Isn't she cute?
SARANG: Well, I'll grant you that... she's cute as a button, and her fiery green eyes remind me of...
TOM: Green eyes?
SARANG: Yes... her green eyes remind me of...
TOM: She has green eyes? (looks into Cindy's eyes). Hey!! They ARE green!
SARANG: Yes, they remind me of...
TOM: They look like that "olive green" color in the box of Crayolas...
SARANG: That's what *I* was going to say-- but did you ever notice...
TOM: But olives you buy in a store AREN'T this shade of green!
SARANG: Uh, yeah...
TOM: Now.. what were you saying, Sarang?
SARANG: Uh, never mind.. you've pretty much covered it.
TOM: (still gazing dreamily into Cindy's eyes) Wow..this reminds me of the first time I ever saw Cindy.. 10 years ago...
SARANG: You met Cindy when she was 7?
TOM: (chuckling) That's a good one.. Actually, when I met Cindy, she was about ...
CINDY: (interuppting) Well, that's not important...
SARANG: I guess this is the part where you two kiss and that soft, creepy music starts to play.
[Soft, creepy music starts to play]
TOM: Well, Sarang, it WAS nice meeting you.. (polite cough)
SARANG: Yeah, you're a pretty cool ... oh, wait-- you want me to LEAVE so you two can kiss?
TOM: Nothing personal...
SARANG: Oh, very well-- but, first, say something romantic...
TOM: Oh, Sarang, you're funny and handsome and...
SARANG: NOT TO ME!! TO HER! TO HER!
TOM: Oh, right.. Oh, Cindy, you're funny and handsome and...
SARANG: beautiful...
TOM: beautiful and...
SARANG: No, I meant 'beautiful' instead of 'handsome'.. Guys are handsome, women are 'beautiful'.
TOM: But that's sexism!
SARANG: Hmm, true-- in fact... Cindy, *you* say something romantic to Tom!
CINDY: Oh, Tom, you're funny and beautiful and...
SARANG: handsome...
CINDY: handsome and...
SARANG: No I meant.. oh, never mind, keep going...
CINDY: And when I look into your eyes, I.. I.. I...
SARANG: melt with passion...
CINDY: Thanks! .. melt with passion, and I just want to.. to.. to...
SARANG: hold you forever...
CINDY: hold you forever...
SARANG: but I can't...
CINDY: but I can't...
SARANG: because I'm running away with Sarang...
CINDY: because I'm running away with ... HEY! Wait a minute!
TOM: I thought you didn't want her?
SARANG: Oh, yeah, I forgot.. carry on.
CINDY: To heck with this romantic crap.. Kiss me, you fool!
SARANG: Well, I'm a little out of practice, but..
CINDY: NOT YOU!!! TOM!!!
SARANG: Oh, right...
[Tom and Cindy kiss passionately]
SARANG: Ewwwwwwwww! Cooties!
[Tom and Cindy remain blissfully silent, staring at each other]
SARANG: Great... hey, did anyone bother to write an ending to this episode?
[A short, geeky-looking man steps out from behind the scenery. The man is Archie Webb, a writer for the "Sarang's World" series]
ARCHIE: Excuse me, Mr. Gupta.. I have to tell you something...
SARANG: Yes? Oh, and call me Sarang.
ARCHIE: OK, Mr. Sarang-- You see, I'm the writer for this show, and...
SARANG: You're the head writer?
ARCHIE: I'm the ONLY writer!
SARANG: Oh... what did you want to tell me?
ARCHIE: We never got around to writing an ending for this episode.
SARANG: I see.. why not? And, why did you say "we" if there's only one of you?
ARCHIE: I'm using the royal plural...
SARANG: Oh, are you a member of royalty?
ARCHIE: No.
SARANG: Ah... OK... so, ummm.. why isn't there an ending to this episode?
ARCHIE: It's because of the Writer's Strike.
SARANG: I see.. why are you striking?
ARCHIE: We want real money!
SARANG: You want a raise?
ARCHIE: No! We want real money, as opposed to this counterfeit stuff you gave us (holds out some bills).
SARANG: Well, uh.. what makes you think that's counterfeit money?
ARCHIE: See right here on top (pointing), where it says "Play Money-- Not Legal Tender", and this other batch that says "Monopoly by Parker Brothers", and how some of the bills are orange...
SARANG: Ah, yes... I'm going to need some help to get out of this... Hey, are you guys (looking at Cindy and Tom) finished mooning at each other yet?
CINDY: Just about.. give us another couple of minutes.
SARANG: Well, at least that gives us time for a commercial.
ARCHIE: Mr. Sarang, Sir-- we haven't sold any commercials.
SARANG: Well, THAT would explain why I can't afford to pay you.
[About two minutes pass]
CINDY: OK.. what can we do for you?
SARANG: Well, I'm about to fire this here writer and was wondering if you guys wanted to take his place?
ARCHIE: Wait! I don't need money.. I'll take her! (points at Cindy)
TOM & SARANG: You can't have her!!!
ARCHIE: Rats! I guess I have to go back to my old job...
CINDY: What did you use to do?
ARCHIE: I used to be a truck driver...
CINDY: Well, hauling freight may not be the most attractive career, but...
ARCHIE: Freight? You're supposed to CARRY something in the truck? DOHHHH! No wonder I didn't make any money!
[Archie Webb walks off stage]
SARANG: OK, now that we're rid of him, let's see if we can write an ending for this episode...
TOM: I got it! We get married and live happily ever after!
SARANG: Well, Tom, I'm flattered, but...
TOM: EWwwwwww! I meant *Cindy* and I get married and live happily ever after...
SARANG: Oh, well, that would work, except...
TOM: Except what?
SARANG: Except, aren't you already married?
TOM: Oh, yeah... (thinking).. Well, then... how about we STAY married and live happily ever after.
SARANG: We need something more exciting, more dramatic, more ....
CINDY: More in tune with the entertainment needs of our vast, diversified audience, whose unexplored demographics are most likely within statistical norms?
SARANG: Uh, ... what?
CINDY: I mean... we need something neat!
TOM: Cindy! I never knew you could use such big words... it excites me!
CINDY: Disengage your verbal onslaught, and proceed to display your affection, blissfully wedded one!
TOM: Oh, Cindy!
CINDY: Oh, Tom!
SARANG: Oh, brother! Maybe what we need is a cliffhanger.
CINDY: You mean a calculatedly dangerous situation that assures residual viewership via the ruse of implicitly promising a cataclysmic event?
TOM: Oh, Cindy! more! more!
SARANG: Yeah, something like that...
CINDY: I mean... oooh, you never know what'll happen next.
SARANG: So, Tom... what dangerous situation can we put ourselves in?
TOM: Why are you asking me?
SARANG: I'm afraid if I ask Cindy, I won't understand the answer...
TOM: OK, how about this... a strikingly handsome man pushes you off the side of a cliff for trying to seduce his wife...
SARANG: Yes! That's perf.... Uh, Tom, why are you looking at me that way?
TOM: And next week, we all get to see how many pieces you get smashed into!
SARANG: (backing away) But, Tom, I never tried to seduce her.. well, I mean, I did.. but it never worked... besides, she isn't all THAT cute.. no wait.. I mean, she is of course, but....
TOM: I'm gonna push you right down into the audience pit!
SARANG: (suddenly resisting) Wait! Even you can't be THAT cruel!
TOM: You're right! This show is so awful, I wouldn't even want my worst enemy to be in the audience!
SARANG: (moving back towards center stage) Well, that's not exactly what I meant...
TOM: Imagine how those poor people out there are suffering...
SARANG: Well, they do get to look at Cindy...
CINDY: (smiling vacuously) And I'd like to put an end to world hunger...
TOM: Their only source of relief is a beautiful young woman...
SARANG: Where? (pauses) Oh... of course.
CINDY: And for my talent act, I ... hey, what's that? (points offstage)
SARANG: Oh great, now we've done it!
TOM: What? What have we done?
[A tall, amusing-looking man stands just off stage as cheerful music starts to play in the background. A VOICEOVER starts to sing]
VOICEOVER: We've got laughs from coast to coast, to make you smile...
SARANG: We've spent so much time trying to end the show...
VOICEOVER: A real life look at each of you, to capture all that style..
SARANG: We've actually merged with the show that follows us...
VOICEOVER: You're the red, white and blue.. the funny things you do...
CINDY: Hey, this song seems familiar...
VOICEOVER: America, America, this is you.....
CINDY: (singing along) Stories from your friends next door,
VOICEOVER & CINDY: They never told... You might be a star tonight...
TOM: Oh no! It's ....
VOICEOVER & CINDY: So let that camera roll...
TOM: America's Silliest Home Videos!
VOICEOVER & CINDY: You're the red, white and blue... the funny things you do.... America, America, this is you!!!
[The audience applauds wildly]
SARANG: (to Tom, under cover of audience applause) How come I never get this kind of applause?
TOM: (to Sarang) You have to ask?
[A deep-voiced NARRATOR is the next speaker]
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentleman... Bill Snaggit...
[More wild applause as Bill Snaggit walks onstage]
SARANG: (to Tom, under audience applause) Take away his talent, his humor, and his good looks, and what are you left with?
TOM: (to Sarang) You...
BILL: (slowly calming audience down) Thank you.. thank you.. you're too kind. Good evening and welcome to America's Silliest Home Videos.
[More wild applause]
SARANG: (to Tom, under applause) This kind of show just caters to the uninformed masses...
TOM: (to Sarang) Jealous?
SARANG: Damn straight.
BILL: Tonight's first videos.. wait a minute, who are these people? (points at Cindy, Tom and Sarang). What a completely unrehearsed surprise this is!
[Audience laughs heartily]
SARANG: (to Tom, under laughter) ANYONE could get a reaction out of this audience...
TOM: (to Sarang) Shhh! He's coming this way...
[Bill walks over to Cindy, Tom, and Sarang]
BILL: Well, hello there, people-I-don't-know! [audience laughs]
CINDY: Hi, Bill!
BILL: Say, weren't you singing along with our theme song earlier?
CINDY: (blushing) Well, yes.. I was...
BILL: You have an excellent voice.. doesn't she, everyone?
[Audience applauds wildly for Cindy's voice]
BILL: And who is this handsome fellow standing next to you?
SARANG: I'm ...
CINDY: This is my husband, Tom.
[Audience applauds wildly for Cindy's husband, Tom]
BILL: And who are you, lastly but not leastly?
SARANG: I'm Sarang Gupta, star of Sarang's World... right here on this station, right before this program!
[Audience is deathly silent.. moments pass.. someone coughs...]
BILL: Ooooook.. .and hey, we really appreciate the viewers you "lead in" to this show.. both of them [laugh].. no, really.. good to have you here.. tell us a little bit about your show...
SARANG: Well, in this week's episode, our writer didn't write an ending, so we umm.. ended up here.
BILL: What an amazing coincidence! Our writers couldn't think up a beginning for our show, so you're in luck...
CINDY: Oooh, do we get to introduce the first set of clips? (jumps up and down excitedly)
BILL: You certainly do [smiles], but please.. keep jumping up and down [laugh from audience]. OK, Cindy, our first set of clip is about people who forget to finish things...
CINDY: Here are some videos about people who forget to finish things...
BILL: That was very good.. maybe we'll keep you on the show...
TOM & SARANG: You can't have her!
[CUT TO: Scene of a man driving a car over a bridge, BILL voices over]
BILL: This man is going downtown to listen to Bethoveen's Unfinished Symphony.. he's finished his breakfast, he's finished getting ready.. too bad the bridge wasn't finished...
[Man's car falls several hundred feet into the river, as audience laughs uncontrollably]
SARANG: Hey, that was neat.. and he didn't get hurt?
BILL: Umm, anyway, moving on to our next clip...
SARANG: Wait a minute! I got it! It's a dream!
BILL: Uhh, no.. we haven't figured out how to videotape dreams yet..
SARANG: No, no! I mean, this episode.. it's a dream.. and I'll end it by waking up!
TOM: Hey, that's not a bad idea...
SARANG: The only problem is... this would become the THIRD Sarang's World episode that would be end up being my dream...
TOM: That IS sort of redundant...
SARANG: Unless..!! What if it isn't MY dream...
TOM: Yes?
SARANG: What if it was CINDY'S dream?
TOM: (flatly) Cindy doesn't dream about you...
SARANG: OK, maybe it's ...
TOM: And neither do I...
SARANG: Darn.. who does that leave us with?
[The trio eye Bill Snaggit with a smirk; Bill is currently busy making people laugh at a video of an open-heart surgery gone terribly wrong]
SARANG: Oh, Billll.....
BILL: Well, we certainly got a HEART-y laugh out of that video... [audience laughs]. Yes, So Wrong, what can I do for you?
SARANG: It's Sarang... and, could you pinch yourself?
BILL: Right here on national TV? [laugh]
SARANG: Yes, I think you might be dreaming this WHOLE adventure...
BILL: I make $20 million a year for working 30 minutes a week-- if this is a dream, I don't WANT to wake up [laughs]
SARANG: If you pinch yourself, and this is NOT a dream, you get to take Cindy...
CINDY: Hey, wait a minute...
BILL: (looking at Cindy) Well, what can she do?
TOM: She makes really crunchy muffins...
BILL: Oooh, I just LOVE crunchy muffins, and, no, that's not a euphemism for something else [audience laughs] OK, I'll try it...
[As Bill pinches himself, the scene cuts to Bill Snaggit's dressing room, as Bill wakes up]
BILL: Oh no! It was all a dream!
[A studio PAGE enters Mr. Snaggit's dressing room]
PAGE: Mr. Snaggit, you're on the air in 5 minutes!
BILL: Wait.. you mean, I still have a show?
PAGE: (beaming) Of course, Mr. Snaggit! You're the host of America's Silliest Home Videos!
BILL: What about Tom and Cindy and Sarang?
PAGE: (laughing) Oh, Mr. Snaggit! Is that the opening for this week's show?
BILL: Yeah.. that's it, the opening...
[In the background, a VOICEOVER can be heard]
VOICEOVER: We've got laughs from coast to coast...
PAGE: You'd better get on stage, Mr. Snaggit.
BILL: (smiling) Be right there!
[As BILL leaves his dressing room, curtain falls]