Author: Sarang Gupta
Illustrated by Robert Cook
DISCLAIMER: This is the modified version of "The Many Faces of [someone]", a supplement to the original Sarang's World series. References to real people have been removed or altered. Similarity without satiric intent is unintentional.
CONTINUITY NOTE: This play occurs AFTER "The Producers" but BEFORE "My Breakfast with Tom".
(modified 4/25/1995)
[SCENE: A meeting room in a large company. Only three men are here. In order to make it seem more dramatic, the room is smoke-filled [even though none of the men smoke-- the smoke is really steam used to heighten the illusion], and dark enough so that none of the men are identifiable... in other words, we hope we can get applause for EACH of them individually!]
[Camera zooms in on first individual, who is revealed to be... the CHAIRMAN from "The Producers"... the audience applauds wildly]
[Chairman is used to addressing a large group of people, so he talks as though his 'yes-men' (from "The Producers") are still with him]
CHAIRMAN: Gentleman, we've got a problem...
[Camera pans to next speaker, who is revealed to be... Stanley Gopher! More wild applause!]
STANLEY: Yes sir, we certainly do...
[Camera pans to third and final speaker... who is ... whoa!!! Sarang Gupta!! The audience gasps before breaking into wild applause]
SARANG: What problem? And why don't we turn on the lights? [turns on lights], and get rid of this steam [tosses out humidifier]
CHAIRMAN: That's much better! I'm glad my glaucoma isn't acting up!
STANLEY: But Sir, you don't have glaucoma...
CHAIRMAN: Which is WHY I'm so glad it isn't acting up!
SARANG: Yes... now, about this problem?
STANLEY: I can't find a bra that fits me...
CHAIRMAN: I think he means the OTHER problem, Gopher!
SARANG: Yes, I do... but, also, try a 36 AAAA...
CHAIRMAN: It's this next episode of Sarang's World we're doing...
SARANG: (perking up) Yes?
CHAIRMAN: We want to put Tom in it...
SARANG: Why?
CHAIRMAN: Well, the audience is getting more and more worked up about this "husband Tom" character we keep mentioning! What's he like? What makes him tick? Who's on first?
SARANG: I see.. Well, usually we parody people's personalities....
STANLEY: Of course, YOU don't have a personality, Sarang.. hehehehheheheh
CHAIRMAN: But the problem is... I've never actually MET Tom!
SARANG: Hmmm.. this could be a problem.... let's see what we know about him...
CHAIRMAN: He likes Cindy...
SARANG: So he has great taste in women...
STANLEY: I've never tasted a woman...
SARANG: They taste just like chicken, Stanley...
CHAIRMAN: He *married* the girl he loved...
SARANG: OK, he's not particularly bright...
CHAIRMAN: He lives in a small town...
SARANG: OK, he's REALLY not very bright...
CHAIRMAN: His last name is [...]
SARANG: [...]? How do you pronounce that?
CHAIRMAN: Just like it looks... [...]
SARANG: That's a very unusual last name!
CHAIRMAN: It's this lousy modified version. We can't use his real last name.
SARANG: It couldn't be worse than [...]
CHAIRMAN: Oh yeah? His *real* last name is (whispers it to SARANG)
SARANG: Whew! OK, [...] it is then...
CHAIRMAN: OK, his wife's maiden name was \!*
SARANG: \!*?
CHAIRMAN: \!*!
SARANG: I had a line here, but it just doesn't make sense in this crummy edited version!
CHAIRMAN: Oh, and we have this picture of Tom here.. [hands SARANG a picture of Tom and Cindy]
SARANG: Whoa! That soft blonde hair.. that pearly white smile.. those ruby red lips... that lovely blue blouse... those firm...
CHAIRMAN: AHEM!!! That's CINDY!!!
SARANG: shoulders... oh... you're right!
CHAIRMAN: Tom's the one to the right...
SARANG: Next to the decorative jack-o-lantern?
STANLEY: Hey!! I haven't had a line in the last TWENTY!
CHAIRMAN: Gopher, you're usually shy and quiet.. why the sudden change?
STANLEY: I have a really high audience approval rating [smiles vacuously]
CHAIRMAN: So what?
STANLEY: If the audience doesn't hear from me every so often, they lose interest in the show!
SARANG: I find that hard to believe! This is cutting edge stuff! We're discussing a man's life here! We're discussing... Tom! Oh... I see your point.
STANLEY: If I may be so bold, perhaps you could portray Tom as a nerd?
SARANG: Ummm.. I think one nerd per show is more than enough...
STANLEY: Don't be so hard on yourself, Sarang... but you could be right.
CHAIRMAN: How about we portray Tom as a love-starved man.. one who's so desperate for love and affection that he calls those sleezy 976 lines... goes to those strip joints... and even fools around with his secretary.. even though, God help him, his secretary is a man!!!!
[There is a pause... actually, a rather long one]
CHAIRMAN: Hypothetically speaking, of course [looking very very ashamed]
STANLEY: I didn't know about the 976 numbers sir...
SARANG: Oh God... Ummm... perhaps Tom is an alien of some sort?
CHAIRMAN: Yes!! Tom's the leader of a group of lonely men from the planet Eros, who have come to Earth to seek wives!
SARANG: But why do aliens always find Earth women so attractive?
STANLEY: I know *I* don't....
SARANG: I mean, you'd think JUST ONCE that the aliens would look at our women and go "two arms... revolting" or "what's that big pointy thing in the middle of their face?", or even "she has almost no slime on her body whatsoever!"
CHAIRMAN: Yes, the "alien-falls-for-earth-girl" plot IS a bit overdone.
STANLEY: How about we make Tom a normal guy who cares for his wife?
[Sarang and the Chairman fall to the ground, laughing]
SARANG: (thru tears of laughter) Did you hear that? Cares for his wife!!!! (goes back to laughing hysterically)
CHAIRMAN: (laughing heavily) Maybe.. maybe he even.. ha ha loves her...
[A new round of laughter follows this]
SARANG: How about.. [laugh].. how about.. [choking back laughter] he defends her honor?
CHAIRMAN: and.... [ba ha ha] he LIKES looking at her?
SARANG: (stopping abruptly) Hey, *Cindy* is his wife.
CHAIRMAN: Oh.. true.
STANLEY: I don't know what you guys see in Cindy.. I mean, yeah, the teeth are white and the hair is kind of nicely colored and smooth-looking, but look at those beady eyes... look at that pointy nose...
SARANG: (looking at picture) Ah, this isn't a picture of Cindy...
STANLEY: It isn't?
SARANG: No.. it's a picture of a ferret...
CHAIRMAN: Though I could see where you might get them confused.. ha ha
SARANG: That's not funny!!!! [showing Stanley the right picture]
STANLEY: Oh! That's better! Look at that dark hair, that alabaster white skin... those pale pink lips, that plastic smile...
SARANG: Cindy's the one on the LEFT...
STANLEY: What, next to the ferret?
SARANG: I give up!!!
CHAIRMAN: You know, none of this is really helping us solve our problem...
SARANG: It never does...
CHAIRMAN: Say what?
SARANG: This show.. it never really helps us solve problems... I mean, we just ramble on and on for several lines and then end the show... not once have we actually wrapped up a problem... I mean, you'd think the audience would get sick of this lack of plot...
STANLEY: Why not ask them?
CHAIRMAN: How?
STANLEY: (turning to camera) Would anyone in the audience like to make a comment?
[Several hands go up]
STANLEY: You, the one with the funny shirt.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Yeah, I think your show's pretty funny, but it's usually on up against LifeStyles of the Middle Class and Moderately Unknown... why should I watch your show instead?
STANLEY: You shouldn't.. next question.. yes, you in the funny pants..
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: I was wonderin' if y'all was ever gonna do a special on the 'portance of small towns?
STANLEY: Small towns aren't important... next question
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: My name's Carol Burnett [applause] and I was wondering whether you enjoyed stealing this 'audience participation' bit from me?
STANLEY: I had a really clever response to this, but it got lost in editing; so, let me just say that I've always loved your show... next question? Yes, you.. the young handsome guy...
[A man who looks like Fred Savage all grown up stands up, but says nothing]
SPOOKY NARRATION: It was hard to believe that I'd finally made it to the filming of Sarang's World... after all these months of trying... of course, I hadn't really expected to be called on when I raised my hand... it reminded me of the time when I was in Ms. Bumpkin's 8th grade class and.. well, that's another story. I still hadn't learned to talk for myself, and relied heavily upon that voice in my head... which, for some reason, always sounded 20 years older than me and that other people could hear... I decided to make my question as easy to answer as possible...
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE FRED SAVEAGE: Is Cindy really as cute in person?
STANLEY: No.. we use lots of makeup... next question..
AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: Baba Wawa, 50/50... isn't it true that you actually use a MALE dog to play the part of Cindy, who is female?
STANLEY: No! Not at all! We use a male FERRET! Next question...
AUDIENCE MEMBER 6: Omar Hamstercheeks, President of the National Association for the Gratuitous Mention of Small Nocturnal Rodents in Television Programs (NAGMSNRTP). I don't have a question; I just wanted to weasel in a mention of my organization!
STANLEY: You rat! I wish I had the guts to throw you out!
OMAR: What are you, a man or a mouse?
CHAIRMAN: That's enough with the audience questions, Gopher.
SARANG: You know, we *still* haven't resolved anything.
CHAIRMAN: How about we go with that 'loves his wife' crap?
SARANG: You're just saying that because we're near the end of the program!
CHAIRMAN: How can you tell?
SARANG: See that clock that says "10 lines left"?
CHAIRMAN: Where? On the right?
SARANG: No.. on the left.
CHAIRMAN: Oh.. I see it now...
SARANG: Good.
CHAIRMAN: But it says "5 lines left", not "10 lines left".
STANLEY: I see it as "4 lines left"
CHAIRMAN and SARANG: SHUT UP, GOPHER!
SARANG: God, I enjoyed saying that!
CHAIRMAN: Me too!
STANLEY: So NOW how many lines are left?
[Curtain falls]